A Derelict's Diatribe

Comedians have no sense of Humor!

2006-08-05T22:26:00.000-07:00

Comedians will make fun of their parents, siblings, bosses, friends and even the guy in the front row of the show without hesitation, and if you take offense to anything, the defense is usually, "These are all just jokes. It's comedy night."

I will be the first person to say, ANYTHING, can be made fun of, provided the target or exageration of the joke is good. Unfortunately, the average person's idea of a funny exageration is a big chair or a big beer bottle, both found at this year's Just For Laugh's comedy festival in Montreal.

"I get it, its a chair, only really big, but you can sit in it. Funny"

I won't start explaining jokes, because that gets into spoon feeding people and they get enough of the kid gloves treatment from our talk show, self help book, sensitivity trained culture as it is. My point is, you would think comedians, the very people that write and perform jokes night after night, would have a better sense of humor about themselves. You can make fun of anything except them.

I did a show about 6 months ago with three other comedians. I was on third, right before the headliner, and right after a person I was about to unintentionally offend to their very soul.

The comedian did OK. Not a kill, not a bomb. Nothing to be embarrased about and nothing to write home about. The comic in question is a school teacher by day and did some jokes about it. I came to the stage and did a joke I do about poor spelling habits of high school students. At that point, I said the teacher comic's name followed by, "Quit comedy, we need teachers." In my head I was thinking, put as many hours into teaching as possible. The exageration was supposed to be how stupid kids are, but from the audience's reaction of laughing and clapping, I quickly realized they saw it differently. The comic then yelled from the back of the room, that I would not be getting a ride home. I guess he interpreted the joke the same way the audience did. They believed the emphasis or exageration was that the comic should quit comedy. In retrospect, if I was in the audience, I would have taken the comment the same way they did, but so what? Even George Carlin has bad jokes, bad nights and in my opinion his latest CD was weak compared to the other 13 recordings of his I own.

Making fun of a weak performance (not a weak performer) or the poor choice somebody makes is no more of a personal attack then when you make fun of the guy in the front row for working for the government or wearing an ugly shirt. COMEDIANS of all people should know that.

It happened again on Thursday at Club54 in Burlington Ontario, but with much better results. I watched a comedian take the stage for 20min and do what felt like an hour of complete silence. I was the headliner on this show and had to take the stage to face 80 people who were bored, offended, or tired. I opened with " I was at the back of the room watching the show and growing very frustrated, because I can't make a living at stand up, and you have seen my competition." It got big laughs waking up the room and relaxed the tension. The target was very obvious this time. Everybody in the room felt the awkward tension and just wanted it to be aknowledged.

He was a stripper for 13 years and he was still in great shape. My flabby, skinny hairy body would have looked as out of place dancing for women as he looked on a comedy stage telling jokes. We have different strengths. We have different weaknesses. Imagine how awkward it would be if I took the stage to dance for women, with a serious look on my face. It wasn't a joke, I was a member of the troupe. When the host comes out, he better say something before he brings out the next dancer. The whole time the next guy is on stage, they would be thinking, was that last guy for real? Was it a joke? Will he be back? Does he get paid? Let's say something about it, so we can move on with the show.

I don't go out of my way to make comments like these. In 5 years I have only made these two on stage. The first was misunderstood, and the second was needed to relieve an awkward tension and reestablish the show.

This night I got lucky, he found my comments funny and even asked where I would be performing next, but I always feel like I'm walking on eggshells when I'm around other performers.

Comedians have THE WORST SENSE OF HUMOR!

On a bright note, I regained a little faith after recently listening to the Unbookables CD "Morbid Obscenity" It features Doug Stanhope, Andy Andrist, Lynn Shawcroft, Sean Rouse and Arthur Hinty. It was a CD put together as a fundraiser for Arthur Hinty, a friend of Stanhope's because he needed money for a gastric bypass. (stomach stapling) During that show, the comics made fun of the very person the fundraiser was for. Doug Stanhope, after returning to emcee the show, said, "That was a solid 10 minutes of comedy in a 20 minute set" about Andy Andrist. Sean Rouse a comedian and an arthritic cripple complained there was no fundraiser for him.

This is how comedy is supposed to be. FUN! They bagged on each other all night. They love each other and respect each other, but they say some nasty things at each other's expense for the sake of a laugh.

Often a comic who makes fun of another comic onstage will be called "unprofessional". As I see it, the profession, is getting laughs. The one getting the laughs, is the professional.

I can't wait to see how I will have to defend myself on the comment section.

I Hate HMV

2006-05-16T16:47:00.000-07:00

I am a relic of sorts, one of the few left that doesn't have an Ipod and rarely downloads any music files. I still go into the music store to shop. There are a couple of reasons why.

I like the artwork and the information given on a store bought CD and DVD. I enjoy knowing at a glance who produced and mixed the music, who session players or guest artists are. I like to see a list of people an artist may thank for their help or influence. I enjoy reading a short history on the production or a biography. I think the artwork works with the music to define an overall "feel" to a release. It helps communicate a certain vision. I like having the real lyrics, not the ones somebody posted on the net incorrectly.

This could all soon come to a crashing end for me. I find myself in a music store no less than twice a month. The last few DVD's I have bought, don't come with anything other than 1 cover picture. No track listings, no thank yous, no background information at all, just a DVD. There is becoming less reason for me to buy from the store, and the stores aren't helping the cause any.

Everytime I go into a store, I head right for the section I want, usually the comedy or heavy metal section. The problem? The section is in a different spot everytime I go in! Where the fuck are the comedy CDs this week? It was here. It used to be George Carlin and Bill Hicks, now its the soundtrack to CATS and Phantom of the Opera.

These corporate assholes have done "research" to find out that we may buy more product if we get lost. If you can't find what you were looking for right away, you may stumble accross something else to buy as well.

This irritates me to no end. I know what I want. I don't want a collection of songs from CATS. I want a Lewis Black CD. That is it! I'm not buying anything else. All that is happening is that I'm getting annoyed because I'm forced to spend more time looking for what I really want in a store frequented by "tweens" clogging up the already narrow aisles looking for the latest Hillary Duff album, that they too can't find, because they moved the latest piece of mind numbing shit section also.

Now I'm stuck in a sea of green haired simpletons, forced to listen to the latest uber hip garbage from an obscure German punk band because Seth is the man in charge behind the counter today and he wants to impress said green haired simpletons by knowing everything there is to know about a band nobody has ever heard of.

The corporation wants me to get lost and buy more than I planned to when I came in. What usually happens is that I end up yelling at "EMO" counterhelp.

I know its not his fault that the store does this, but head office doesn't care that I'm upset, because "research" shows my complaints are statistically insignificant and that net profits are up since they started fucking with the shelves.

If head office doesn't care, and they don't care because I don't make a big enough difference to their bottom line, I'm going to take a different approach. I encourage anybody who is reading this to do the same.

I'm going to make working at HMV as counterhelp so miserable that HMV has a hard time keeping employees. They are an easy target, mostly kids who still live at home who will quickly abandon the $7 an hour if it comes with caustic complaints and mental abuse everytime they try to help a customer.

If we all join forces and give them unrelenting lectures about how getting 37 piercings is just a way to assert your individuality in a way fit for small minded conformists. If you wear fur coats when the vegans are working and tell them how proud you were to be able to club the seal yourself. If when asked at the checkout, "Did you find everything you were looking for today?", we say no and ask them to search in their computer for a Zamfir album that doesn't exist. As they are searching tell them how much better music was in Zamfir's day, and why she will never amount to anything in life worth while. Get her to try a couple of different Zamfir spellings so you can talk to her longer, then tell her to try "master of the pan flute", tell her that you were blown in college by Zamfir and the nick name suits him. If we make their lives miserable everytime we go in the store, quitting and running back to the home that provided the physical and emotional abuse required for them to want the 37 piercings in the first place, will look like a mental oasis in comparison. They will quit in droves, forcing HMV to give them danger pay and stress leave like Air Traffic Controllers because suicide has become so prevelant among its employees. That will get them bad press and cost them enough money that they might actually LEAVE THE FUCKING SHELVES ALONE

Lets do it at Blockbuster too. Anytime somebody in a blueshirt tries to make you feel welcome with a cheery "hello" as you're going through the metal detectors, say to them....Fuck You! Everytime they say hello, they hear fuck you! Wouldn't that be great?

Love Andrew

Halifax Comedy Fest PT1

2006-04-21T07:58:00.000-07:00

Performing at The Halifax Comedy Fest has been a dream of mine since the festival began 11 years ago. I would buy tickets to shows every year I could. I would arrive before anyone else to ensure a front row seat, and I would hang out after the show to talk to any comedian that would give me the time of day.
The advice given to me time and time again was that I needed to move to Toronto, or Montreal if I was serious about persuing comedy. I took that advice and 4 and a half years later, I find myself days away from taking the stage at the same venue that first inspired me to perform.
As a fan it is going to be a treat to watch so many shows with performers from all over Canada and parts of the U.S. As a comedian, it is going to be a thrill to perform with friends and comedians I respect so much. As a person, it is going to be the greatest feeling to go back to my hometown, the place I love more than anywhere else, to do what I love to do more than anything else.
The best part of the festival as a fan, and as a comedian will be the Comedy On The Edge Show. This is a show where there are no rules other than to be funny. This is comedy at its finest. Art, left to the artists.
I am about to speak to a grade 8 English class about writing at Madeline Symonds middle school inHammonds Plains, then I will go and perform 5 min at the caffeteria for the drama class, followed by a question and answer. I didn't even take drama in school, now I'm a guest speaker?
I will make freqauent updates on my experiences at the festival, so check back if you are interested.

Alternative or Anti culture?

2006-02-25T20:24:00.000-08:00

I went to a show last week in what is largely known in town to be a "trendy" venue. What makes something in this culturally bankrupt town trendy? When people with money hang out in a part of town that doesn't have money, then that is one way of being trendy. The room is filled with 20 somethings that wear protest or ironic message buttons on their goodwill store bought clothes. They ride bicycles, smoke pot and own ferrets. These are the same people that can be spotted at a fast food restaurant in Dad's SUV on the way to the G8 protest. With irony like this, who needs to put a 20 year old Barbie shirt on a fat girl?

I think recycling clothing and riding bicycles is responsible living. I think pot is better for you than alcohol and if we are going to own dogs, why not ferrets? They are better company than a cat.

What is my problem with this scene you ask? They do this shit to keep up with appearances, not necessarily because they want to. Social positioning. In the business world you are supposed to dress for the job you want, not the one you have. The same thing is true here. It’s just a different uniform and a different group of people you want to impress.

These fuckbags are willing to drink $7 beer because it’s "hip" to drink faux imported beer you can put a lemon in. Hey, why drink a beer if you can't subconsciously tell people that you are well versed in the school of drink? Its cooler to know how and what to drink than it is to have something that tastes good or gets you drunk. Let's do it on a rooftop in winter where we have the pleasure of sitting on purposely mismatched and broken furniture too. If the shitty furniture is on purpose, its ok, but if you can't afford better it’s just sad. $7 for a beer, but 50cents for the Mr. T T-shirt. If you look like you aren't trying, that's cool. A "feeling" of detachment from the mainstream. This IS the mainstream. The irony is they try very hard to give the impression of not trying at all. From the perfectly positioned gelled bed-head, to the horn-rimmed glasses (contacts would be tacky) I am even convinced they start smoking just so they can tell you, they are trying to quit. They have left wing literature on the book shelf that they haven't read, and bookmarks on the PC to the Onion or the Guardian they don't visit. We are worldly. No. Pierre Trudeau was worldly; you are an empty vessel drinking over priced beer in a plastic tent on the roof of a hotel.

They would never step inside a Holt-Renfrew, but would line up around the block to get a piece of shit broach from the Jamaican trinket tent at hippie fest.

The comedy scene is the same way. The less you try to be funny, the funnier you are. No. Referencing Steve Gutenberg or a Sitar is not a joke, it is just a reference. I don't care if your friends laugh. It isn't funny. They are only laughing to give the appearance to the roomful of hipsters that they are hip too. Like they know what the fuck is going on. Their heroes are David Cross and Patton Oswald, but what they seam to miss is the fact that those 2 guys actually have jokes, and they are funny. I have a feeling they really read the books they keep on their shelves too.

They donate to the Salvation Army because it gives the impression of being morally and socially conscious and then buy their clothes there.

Are there any TRUE individuals left on this planet?

Darren Frost and the Dynamics of a Jazz Musician

2006-02-04T22:23:00.000-08:00

A couple of weeks ago, I saw Darren Frost headline his "Hate to Live" tour which means I was faced with yet another weekend without work.

This was a special night because Darren headlined a xxx show with the likes of Terry Clement and Shannon Laverty. I love xxx shows, not for the same reason drunk 18 year old college students do, or for the abundance of 4 letter words, or even the vivid descriptions of sex. I love xxx shows, because, this seems to be the only place left on earth for an honest exchange of ideas.

In mainstream culture, ideas are buried in music or hidden behind a painting, a character, or given the security of an educational setting a liberal arts college can provide. It is true that the ideas presented in a comedy club are cloaked in jokes, but I find the most important distinction with this medium and the others I have mentioned, is the laughter. Laughter is a way to release tension. Laughter is the audience's contribution to the exchange of ideas taking place in real time. Laughter is a way people can agree with your ideas in public without leaving the convicting evidence of words behind.

Darren brings it every night, something I'm ashamed to admit that I don't do. What I mean by this is his effort. Everybody runs into bad nights where audiences don't like what you have to offer. I mean he always gives them the best chance to like it.

The most important ingrediant for the growth of a comedian is stage time. There is no substitute for getting on stage and performing as much as you can. The second most important thing is writing. Write as often and as much as you can. It doesn't matter about what, just write, sooner or later ideas you can use will end up on the page. The third most important thing to do is something I see very few young comics do enough of. Watching the guys you respect. Not just on DVD or TV, but live. You must see them live. Good comedy is a two way conversation with the audience that does not translate very well on film. Often many of the important moments in a stage show get edited out if the performance is taped to air on TV.

I hear many guys say "Don't listen to other comics, you don't want to be influenced." Can you imagine if musicians took this advice? A world full of guitar players that never heard music. The best musicians in the world have a large and ecclectic taste in music.

I once ran into a couple of the guys from a band called the Pursuit of Happiness in a Sam the Record Man in Halifax. They were a rock band with moderate mainstream success in the late 80's. Dave Gilby, the drummer was buying an Ed Thigpen album. Ed Thigpen was the drummer for the Oscer Peterson trio and also toured with Ella Fitzgerald. Gilby, nor his band ever sounded anything like the Oscar Peterson trio, but I promise you listening to good music helped him to become better. What about writers who never read books?

Eric Clapton cites Robert Johnson, and Muddy Waters as influences, but would you confuse the music of Cream with one of them? No, but he's a better guitar player for it. Keith Moon and Michael Giles, were influences on Neil Peart. Led Zepplin influenced Rush and Rush influenced the Barenaked Ladies. In comedy Doug Stanhope told me that Andrew Dice Clay, of all people got him interested in comedy.

The point is, Gilby can learn about dynamics, and phrasing from one of the best like Thigpen without ever sounding like him. Thigpen is known for his brush work, I don't remember hearing any brushes in "I'm an adult now."

Influence and lots of it helps. The problem of influence is becoming a mimic. Using somebody elses act as a template for yours.

When I watched Darren perform, it reminded me how much the little things matter, and how good he was at using them to squeeze every last ounce of funny from his jokes. He orchestrates his performance with the ebb and flow of his voice inflection, intonation and volume, the same way good musicians do. He uses a combination of subtle and not so subtle body language to punctuate his jokes. Everything from a slight eyebrow raise, to a quick and animated "uppercut" is used to ad to a picture he paints in the mind of the audience which gives them a more vivid and full experience of the ideas he wants to communicate. Instead of just giving you directions to the punch line, he gives you a drive there.

This night inspired me to revisit my work. What more can I do to improve my stuff? The more I understand about comedy, the harder it seems to become, but I wouldn't change a thing. I love the challenge. I love stand up. It is the toughest thing I have ever done, and by far the most rewarding.

Check out Darren at www.comedywhore.com

XM Radio taping and my growing complacency

2006-01-08T11:37:00.000-08:00

On wednesday January 3rd, I was lucky enough to be asked to record a set for XM radio at the Laugh Resort in Toronto. I thought this was going to be perfect. XM radio, no censorship, I can do what I want, how I want and get a little exposure at the same time. How much exposure? I don't know even 1 person that has a satellite radio.

It was a stacked night with some of the best pros in the country doing 10 min each, including, Jim Macalese, Fraser Young, Jay Malone and Debra Digiovani.

I was on 10th out of 10 comics, which means I didn't take the stage until 1 hour and 45 min into the show. I ate it. I got a couple of good laughs, but a couple of good laughs in 10min feels like shit.

Fraser Young had a wonderful set, he always has a wonderful set. The only thing preventing him from being a star is the $10,000 penalty charged to enter a country that actually rewards talent. The problem is that living in a country whos number 1 commodity is apathy, $10, 000 might as well be $10 000 000.

You always know when you do shitty because audience members and other comics approach you after the show with ready made excuses. "The audience was tired", "You were nervous", "the guy before you, brought down the room" All of these are bullshit. As Seinfeld said in Comedian after going on after a headliner in a New York Club around midnight. "If it's good, its good." I was the problem. The audience, tired or not, was not the problem. It was my fault. I wasn't nervous, but I stumbled over lines, and was shaken when my first joke about prideful fat girls didn't work. At that moment I remember thinking to myself, "Great, finally an uncensored radio taping and I get a CBC audience." I wasn't prepared and I lost focus because I arrived at 8pm and didn't take the stage until 11:30pm. In 3 hours, I tend to drift off, not pay attention, drink, talk and grow tired. If I focused like an athlete going into game 7 overtime, I would have killed. I'm getting too complacent. I need to be shaken out of my comfort zone, the way I take pride in shaking my audience out of their comfort zone. I'll be back, I just hope XM radio will too.

My advantage has always been hating the culture in which I live, now I, like my fellow Canadians, have become indifferent to the vapid culture and on some level have either joined them, by playing mainstream comedy clubs or have avoided them by sleeping, drinking, and withdrawing. I need to once again come face to face with everything I hate. I've been here before so luckily I know how to get the hate back. I will read some Anne Rice, watch 10 episodes of Friends, listen to some Andrei Bocceli or Josh Groban, eat at Mcdonalds, ride the bus through a wealthy neighborhood and go to a fashion show and a country music festival. If that doesn't make me hate, if that doesn't fill me with bile that I can later spit on the front row of a show, nothing will.

The trite that passes as quality is incomprehensible to me and I guess like a child who has been raped, my subconscous is trying to protect me by developing a second boring and harmless personality.

If you have any articles I can read about how important fashion is or how funny Friends is or about how honest, heartfelt, touching and emotional a country singer who sings formulaic songs not even written by him is, please send them to: andrew@angryandrew.com If it inspires me. like I know it will, I will record how the garbage in created the gold that comes out, and I will send you a copy. I will be forever greatful. I haven't been called a nihilist in a while, as a person it feels pretty good, but as an artist, that bothers me.

Here is Fraser's site: www.youngfraser.com
Here is my site: www.angryandrew.com

Home in Halifax!

2005-12-20T23:04:00.000-08:00

I arrived in Halifax on Saturday the 17th. It is the first time I have been home in almost a year. The longer I'm away, the more I appreciate this place. The people are warmer, the air is cleaner and the comedy audiences are honest and appreciative. They won't laugh if it isn't funny, but they respect the effort and listen.

I did a showcase for the Halifax Comedy Fest on Sunday at Ginger's on Barrington street. Paul Ash has been running a room there for about 2 years and he has taken it from nothing, to hosting a showcase for a major festival in just 2 years. I do mean nothing. Halifax didn't have a local stand up scene for several years until he opened this room. That means he didn't even have a local group of comics to draw from. Anybody in Halifax serious about stand up moved to Montreal or Toronto.
It is still the only open mic in the city. (Pro-Am)

I know first hand how difficult it is to start a room in this city. Paul has done a wonderful job, because like so few in this business he really cares. He has a website dedicated to the open mic,(Pro-Am) which not only advertises upcoming shows but it has a bulliten board that is used as a communication hub for those who perform on the show including weekly reviews. They give each other encouragement, suggestions, and when needed a kick in the ass. They get together to write before shows. Paul had no less than 3 different flyers advertising the weeks shows and performers as well as an expensive ad taken out in the local arts paper. Even his cellphone answering machine advertises the upcoming shows. He runs this open mic(Pro-Am) better than most professional clubs.

The open mic is normally held on Sunday night and in this town, everything is closed except bars, pharmacies and corner stores. That means no walk in traffic and public transportation is greatly reduced.

Paul is another guy that I will put alongside Bill Davern and Shannon Bell for running a room that fosters young talent so well.

Halifax will develop the next new crop of talent in this country, not because the comics are any more talented, but because with only one room running in the city these guys are hungry. If they weren't they couldn't get on the show. Under Paul's guidance, this is a place where young comics will get a great start. I liken it to a Midget Hockey team being coached by Don Cherry or Scotty Bowman. Guidance like this will give you a leg up.

If you are a pro or an amateur visiting the Halifax area, make sure you drop by the room. You can find more information at the ComedyDawgs Website. www.comedydawgs.com
Here is Peter,Paul and in place of Mary, me in Halifax.
Another pic of the night with Paul EdwardsRhys, Paul Ash, Me, Nathan MacIntosh, Peter White and Bryant Thomson.

Head Shot

2005-12-09T08:03:00.001-08:00

Can somebody please give me a sound, logical, reasonable explanation as to why stand up comedians need a headshot BEFORE performing at certain festivals or in certain clubs?

Actors need headshots. A casting agent will go through headshots to find a certain look for a character they have in mind. It makes sense. Am I a character being cast?

I also understand submitting a headshot to a festival after I've been selected to perform. They must advertise the performers in the clubs, the newspapers, TV, and flyers.

Why do I need one to be considered for the festival or the club? Is it bad luck to have 3 comedians with short hair? Do people who take bad pictures tend to be less funny? Is a still photo the best way to see if my segue ways are clean and my call backs are appropriate? I will give you a DVD. You can hear me tell the jokes and see me perform the jokes.

If looking at pictures refreshes your memory on who you just watched in the videos then, why won't you accept a polaroid?

Based on the talent decisions at some festivals, I think I know why they want a headshot. They are big targets for the official selection committee darts.

I have an idea. Why don't we just give a series of mugshots to juries with the suspects' resumes, and a low quality corner store surveilance video? We won't need courts and we won't have to fly anybody out to prison unless their picture tells us they are guilty. It saves time, and money.

Listen you dumb fucks! It is my show that proves I am funny or not funny. It is my performance that proves I belong or do not belong in your festival or on your stage, not my ability to strike a contrived, horseshit, pensive, artsy, pretentious, fuck ball pose!

Yours truly Andrew Evans ">

Can I be in your festival now? Fuuuuuuuuuck You!

All New Material

2005-12-06T19:54:00.000-08:00

Every month, the Rivoli a small club on Queen West in Toronto plays host to an "All New Material Night"

Comedians are booked about 7 to 10 days in advance and are asked to perform only new jokes. Each new material night has a theme and although comedians are not required to follow it, most do their best to at least write a joke or two that is fitting.

Last night's theme was gambling. I decided to take the challenge seriously and write an entire 7 min set on gambling, afterall I just went to our staff Christmas party at a horse track and casino, this should be easy. Wrong.

It has probably been 2 years since I did an entire set of new jokes. Sure, I'm always writing and I'm always working a new joke in here and there, but an ENTIRE set of new jokes is something I haven't done for a while and an entire set of new jokes on 1 topic that was given to me by somebody else, is something I have NEVER done.

I was on 4th out of about 10 and it wasn't horrible, but it sure took me out of my comfort zone. No jokes to fall back on to get me out of trouble, but that was the point. Savy comedy audiences appreciate the performer up there without a safety net.

There is a feeling held by the audience that anything could happen at any moment. That's why they are there, not because the comedy is going to be great, but because the comedy MIGHT be great and it MIGHT be terrible, either way they are going to see a show only a select few will see. They get to be a part of a club. Non-conformist conformists love a club as long as you don't call it a club, and they can still wear a different chinese letter tattoo than the person next to them.

Everybody who has ever seen my show has seen my duck hunting joke, but only 100 people have seen me talk about slot machines. That number won't be getting any higher either, because it was terrible. I gave them limited addition art in the form of jokes. One night only, you had to be there. It was bad, that is why I have decided to keep the collection a limited one.

Witnessing a suicide, whether it be literal or figurative as it was last night, is a horrific, but exclusive event people will brag about for years. I have a buddy who served in Rawanda and saw some attrocities that defy description. The exclusivity of these first hand stories makes him a social currency Billionaire. That is what the audience was hoping for. They were gambling the pay what you can cover, hoping to come away being social currency billionaires. Maybe they would see a famous comedian or a future famous comedian tell a joke he only told once, or even better that he fell on his face for 10min. (Jump to 10 years from now when comedian "A" is on the Tonight show, killing for 5 min.) "You know I saw him 10 years ago at the Rivoli, and he sucked! I was funnier. He was telling some joke about pesticide and you could hear a pin drop"

Human nature is interesting, but I was there for a different reason. I learned I need to write more new material. The challenge of a specific topic was fun and could prove to be a useful tool down the road for television writing. I also learned that my stage presence has improved to a point that I got laughs without telling anything funny. I couldn't get away with that a year ago. I'm glad my inner critic is still lucid enough to see that what I wrote wasn't funny and needs to be improved despite the smattering of chuckles they received.

It was fun. The whole reason I do this, is because it is fun. I had more fun sucking last night than I did last week killing. I guess that is this week's lesson. I have to put my performer's ego aside to really take the next step.

I thought I did well, and then Dave took the stage

2005-11-24T19:07:00.000-08:00

I was asked to do a fund raiser for the Center of The Arts in Toronto Tuesday night. The name is lofty, the venue is not. When I walked in, it looked like they had kicked a Liberal Arts student out of his dorm and then set up a sound system.

If I turn down a gig, it is because I can't get there or I already have a show. I figure I can learn something from every show and from every room. I am affraid to turn down a gig, because that could be the time I learn a lesson that can send me to the next level. I learned a big lesson Tuesday night.

I was given a list of the names of the comedians that were scheduled to be on the bill with me that night and one name, Dave Hemstad, stood out. I had heard his name associated with the Halifax Comedy Fest, I saw the name printed in the paper, but I never saw him perform. I knew nothing. I went in fresh. As a fan of comedy, what a treat! As a fellow comedian, what a treat!

I talked to him before his set briefly and could tell he cares about comedy as much as I do, because he was in a bad mood about something. Most good comics are always in a bad mood about something. It is obvious he is a student of comedy, because he can actually do a bang on impression of 2 other well known comedians talking about how to make their jokes better. He listens, he watches, he is a sponge.

Dave told me he often does a character called Billy Joe Taylor or something. Thank god I didn't know that before, because I'm not a big fan of characters in stand up. I'm a purest at heart. Keep your characters in sketches, and commercials. I want to see ideas. This night he went up as himself.

He read the room briliantly. He watched the other comics and the audience from the back of the room before his set. He was relentless. He instantly connected to the room that was largely comprised of actors by spitting venomous jokes about the horseshit pretense often found in the industry. He then went on to jokes about famine, the Hurricaine and the Tsunami. He forced the world, including the audience before him to be accountable. They responded by laughing uncontrollably at their own hypocrisy. This is the kind of comedy I LOVE. The stinging truth, made not only acceptable, but enjoyable, because the comedian is adept at presenting his perspective.

I could tell by talking to Dave before and after the show that he and I share similiar views of the world, but his ability to take it to the stage is at a level above mine. If I can make people laugh at cancer, he can make them laugh at cancer 3 times as hard, 3 times longer and send them home repeating the joke to their friends, at which point they will probably get punched in the face and removed from their e-mail list because they didn't tell it correctly.

What did I learn? Fuck I suck.

What else did I learn? Audiences can laugh longer and louder then I knew was possible. I need to work harder. When it comes to my act, I am not lazy, but I realized if I want to reach the next level, I'm going to have to lose more sleep than I already am.
The best thing to happen to me in the last year was winning a contest. The contest in and of itself was nothing to be overly proud of and in the long run means very little, however, it has led to gigs I never would have been invited to. This fundraiser where I met and watched Dave was one of them.

If I didn't win that contest, I never would have realized how much I suck.

Andrew Evans

Art VS Business and why I love Hamilton

2005-11-16T15:25:00.000-08:00

At the risk of sounding pretentious, I will say that I feel stand up is an art form and I am an artist. An artist is at his best when his emotional and mental environment is not dictated, shaped, or controlled by any outside forces.(club owners, bookers, agents,..etc)

Business & Art. It is a symbiotic relationship but it feels more like a war of attrition.
If an artist wants to make a living from his art, he will have to sell it and if a business person wants to make money selling art, he will need a quality product to sell. An artist doesn’t care how many drinks were sold and a club owner doesn’t care about the social relevance of your act, but we should care about each other. We need each other.

An artist’s job, regardless of medium, is to communicate his interpretation of the world around him. If a painting, or photograph is not seen, or a song is not heard, the art lies incomplete. Business gives the artist an audience. Galleries, comedy clubs, television, radio, theatres… etc. If the business fails, there is one less place for the artist to communicate his ideas. Artists need to find a way to understand and appreciate the opportunities given to them by the business community.

The business community needs to find a way to respect and appreciate what the artists are doing. If we weren’t on stage, you couldn’t charge a $15 cover to come into your empty club. The reason you can, is because there is competent entertainment in your room. Club owners and bookers are constantly telling comedians what jokes, clothes or words work best on their stage. It is not the clothes, the jokes or the words that work on your stage, it is the COMEDIANS who told those jokes, used those words or wore those clothes. THEY were good. Squeaky clean comics like Bob Newheart and Jerry Seinfeld would do well in a biker bar, because THEY are good. Even the most liberal person will tell you that rape is an offensive idea, but George Carlin, does a joke about rape that gets big laughs because he is an effective communicator. HE is good. Lesser comics would offend with the same joke. It has little to do with the subject and much to do with the artist.

Bookers will tell you that you have to be clean, instead of telling you to be funny. A competent artist can make even the most offensive ideas accessible. The reason words and ideas will offend, is because there is a lack of artistic merit attached to the idea. Context. It isn’t the word or idea of rape, it is why and how the idea is being used. If a comic or any other artist offends it is because he isn’t communicating to his audience effectively. In regular communication, it is 50 % speaker, 50% listener, with art, the responsibility for effective communication leans much more heavily on the artist or the speaker. (We are making you pay $15 to listen to us remember) If the MAJORITY of the audience is offended by a certain comedian’s performance, it is because he has not done his job. Don’t tell the rest of us that we can’t use the language he used because we will offend them too. The good comics will be funny enough, that the audience can’t be offended. Club owners and bookers need to leave the art to the artists and then make the business decision of who they will hire. I certainly don’t tell a mechanic how to fix my motorcycle, because I don’t have a clue, but if he fucks it up, I will take it somewhere else next time. If I don’t make them laugh, don’t book me. If I offend more people than I amuse, don’t book me. But don’t tell me how to do something you have never done.

Last night at Slainte was a perfect example of how letting an artist control the art results in a better show for everyone.

There are few places I feel as comfortable as I do at Slainte. I arrive in a good mood because I know Shannon Bell and Bill Davern won’t tell me what I can and can’t say. I won’t get the feeling that if I do poorly I won’t be welcome back. I don’t feel like I’m auditioning. Bottom line is these people allow me to be myself. When I am myself, I am at my best. When I am at my best, chances are the audience will enjoy the show more. When the audience enjoys the show more, they are more likely to come back. Everybody wins. The bar makes money, I get an audience and the audience has fun.

Shannon Bell and Bill Davern are the people responsible for putting the show together. They are the reason I do well there. Shannon and Bill are the producers of the show, but both are good comedians as well. They know what it takes to write and perform. They have a genuine respect for comedy and comedians which is apparent as soon as you walk in the room. Shannon gives me a hug, Bill a handshake and a smile. Shannon buys beer and wings for all the comedians on the show. There is a good size audience waiting for us. We are in the back drinking and socializing before and during the show. It leads to a loose, fun feel. You feel like you are just at a party, making your friends laugh in the living room. When you are provided with an environment like that, it becomes much easier.

We need more rooms like Slainte that give you the freedom to develop. We need more people in the comedy community like Shannon and Bill that allow and even encourage artistic growth, by providing such a fertile ground for young talent.

If you can go to a show, go to this one. You will see great comics, you will see bad comics, you will see old, young, men, women, dirty, clean, clever, low brow and everything in between. It’s a great time and there is no cover! If you have ever thought stand up comedy on TV sucks, go to this show. You will even see some of the comics you have seen on TV at this club, being funnier than the way editors, and networks have packaged them for a nation wide broadcast. This is where real comedy lives.

Slainte Irish Pub
33 Bowen St. Hamilton Ontario
905-528-8000

Call and find out when the next show is.

I don't want to be an actor or a salesman

2005-10-24T20:00:00.000-07:00

I heard it again. "You can't get an agent if you won't do commercials."

Why do I want an agent?

It has been my experience that an agent has a better ability to get you into a comedy club, a festival, or submit your written material for a TV show. In fact many places will only allow you to submit scripts and show ideas through an agent. If you can only get your material seen through an agent, and you can only get an agent if you do commercials, that means that the scripts that are being seen, are written only by people who have sales experience. No wonder TV sucks. Thank God we don't make our musicians do that. "We can't represent your rock band unless you're willing to write radio jingles. It's the only way people will take you seriously as artists, you have to get your name out there."

Why won't I do commercials?

My stand up consists of jokes about the evils of advertising, and my disdain for the consumer culture. I know I am already a hypocrite, because I participate in the consumer culture. I have bought clothes made in sweatshops and I continue to buy coffee that is produced by a workforce earning slave wages, but I don't want to encourage others to do it. Actually, I like to discourage others from doing it. I can work on my own behaviour, checking tags, and buying fair trade coffee when available, but I can't do a coffee commercial and say buy brand "A", unless there is a fair trade coffee shop around the corner, then buy brand "B"

A second reason I don't want to do commercials is that I am not an actor and I don't want to be an actor. I am a comedian. My particular brand of comedy is not an act. I make jokes about the way I really feal. Mitch Hedberg did a great joke about how people want you to do things that are related to comedy but aren't comedy. "It doesn't happen elsewhere. You wouldn't say to a guy, OK you can cook. Do you know how to farm.?"

The third reason is of a much lesser concern at this point, but a comedian can run into trouble from time to time with it. Joe Rogan hosts Fear Factor and played the part of Joe on Newsradio. He has told stories of many people expecting to see that "nice boy" character he played on TV in the comedy club. I don't want people coming to my show, expecting to see the silly husband from the Taco commercial. I know commercials will not inspire too many people to come see you do stand up, but you never know when people will recognize you from that commercial as you are walking to the stage, which will burden you with a character bias right off the top.

Telling me I can't get an agent if I don't do commercials, is like telling Lance Armstrong, he can't buy a bicycle until he purchases a car. The commision on a bicycle isn't worth anybody's time. A bicycle turned out to be a pretty lucrative investment for Lance and I'm sure he has made more money for people selling bikes than those selling cars.

This business is offensively short sighted. I truely feel that when club owners, agents, and bookers keep me away from a stand up gig, it is like taking Lance's bike away from him as a child. If you don't let me work at this now, we are both going to lose. Enlightened self interest anyone?

I have a better understanding of why there are so many bad comedians who are using stand up as a way to become an actor. That's who the comedy business wants. Actors. Who would have thought that the worst thing you can tell a talent agency that handles stand up comedians, is that you have talent as a stand up comedian?

Oh well, maybe those girls who asked me to the strip bar will be at the Laugh Resort again this week. I won't go this time either, but its a good ego stroke.

Restored Faith (for now)

2005-10-20T15:30:00.000-07:00

Last night I was invited to do a show at a pub in Mississauga called "IT". It is a beautifully kept pub with a nice menu, and at first glance it looks too fancy for the show I want to bring, but after soaking up the atmosphere for about a half hour, I begin to realize the appearance is deceiving.

It was staffed more like a truck stop, with motherly like waitresses, and the clientele was a mix of white collar golfers and blue collar tradesmen, so I begin to feel a little more connected, which is imperative for me to deliver the way I need to.

We were treated with respect, by both management and spectator alike. All 5 comics were given a couple of free drinks, half price food, a modest stipend and an appreciative and attentive audience. In my limited experience I have found the further you are from Toronto, the happier they are to see you.

The show was set up different than most I have played. The host and producer Miriam Miller got up and did just a few minutes before bringing Brian Hope to the stage to open the show. When he finished, there was a 20 min intermission before bringing Edgar Fraser to do his spot. After each comedian there was to be this break so the audience could go have a cigarette in the smoking room. These intermissions normally kill a room. The flow is broken, it gives people a chance to leave, and makes the show a lot longer, but in this case it worked and it worked well. Every time a comedian was brought to the stage, the audience returned to watch, like the third period of a Stanley Cup game was about to begin.

The best part of the show for me was the chance to stretch my comedic legs and do between 25 and 30 min. Unless you are a headliner, that is a rare opportunity in this town of 5-7min sets. It is one thing to keep an audience's attention for 5min, it is quite another to keep them for 30min. Any small misstep can be disastrous. Too much energy for 30 min can overwhelm them, too little can bore them. Too much space between jokes and they become distracted, not enough and you step on laughs. I have a lot to learn about the 30 min show, but last night's biggest lesson was I CAN do it!

I grew more and more comfortable on stage every minute. I became more accustomed to the lights, the mic, the stage, and the faces in the crowd became familiar. I didn't know anybody there, but by paying attention to them, I started to understand some personalities. I began to know who would like certain jokes as I told them. "The girl on the couch was laughing at my self esteem bit, she will love my joke about weddings." The guy leaning on the rail in the blue jacket liked my bit on strippers, I'll look his way when I'm telling the bit on being alone."

As time progressed it became less about me telling jokes and more about sharing laughs with those people. When an audience is present and attentive for you, the least you can do as a comedian is reciprocate. If you do, the job becomes much easier and much more fun, and after all, that's why I got into this.

I've done better and I've done worse, I have no illusions, but it FELT better than it has in a long time. I'm making smaller mistakes now, I'm fine tuning rather than overhauling. In the past I would rework an entire piece, for such a minimal gain I would grow frustrated and second guess all of my instincts. Now, I am making small adjustments with intonation, inflection, attitude and word choice, with a much bigger pay off. It has all led to a humble confidence. I'm a looser, better performer. I have a long way to go, but the progress is tangible, and I again trust my instincts.

The highlight of the night took place for me off stage, after the show, when a nice young lady approached me and asked me where I would be performing next. I told her about a great show I would be doing 7 min on next week with 5 or 6 other great comics, and then she said, "When will you be doing your whole show again, the one I saw tonight? I think my boyfriend would really like your kind of humor and I want to take him to your show for his birthday."

WOW! Somebody thinks I am a worthy birthday gift?!?!?!? (or maybe her birthday budget is $0) She didn't end up mentioning whether SHE liked my show, just thought her boyfriend would like it. Still this is the best compliment yet. I have a long way to go, but now I have a map and 1 fan.

Packed House, no laughs

2005-10-14T14:20:00.000-07:00

Last night I was at Hurricaines, a little bar on Bloor street in Toronto for an open mic. This room usually attracts 10 Humber comedy students, and 4 other comics, who will then perform for the same two waitresses and 3 drunks hiding from their wives.

There are legitimate pro comics who work all the amateur nights they can, when they aren't touring, or don't have another paid gig to do, always wanting to get better, like Gilson Lubin. But twice a year, the comedians you never see honing the craft or working out new bits at the open mics around town show up to thrill us with their 5 year old bits they are once again pulling out, in preparation for a Just For Laughs showcase. The only thing fresh about the set is the fact that we haven't heard it for 6 months.

I am the first person to tell you, better comedians make a better show, so I am glad to see them out, but this makes for a long night. They do 10-15 min instead of the normal 5min set, because after all, they're on TV. The 15 amateurs that show up every week are there too.

What does this mean? It means I get to sit in a hot cramped bar from 7:30pm until 1:30am to watch a parade of "pros" who don't care about the audience, the energy, the quality of the joke or improving, they just care about hearing themselves through a public address system as they run through the potential "gala set," before returning to the friendly confines of TV land.

If you want to do shitty TV and shitty comedy, go for it, but if you want to call yourself a comedian, you better do it more than 2 festivals a year and a weekend in Windsor, because when you go to Hurricaines on Thursday, you're going to tank like the rest of us. You can hear the suck.

I'm tired of hearing that somebody is funny just because somebody else has decided to take 15% of the Tim Horton's commercial they did, or that the CBC has considered them to be funny enough to sandwhich 7min of their sorry existence between 2 Ford Bronco ads. CBC isn't reality, Hurricaines is, and you suck like the rest of us, if you aren't prepared. As much as I hate giving up valuable stage time, and 3 hours sleep so one of these big headed, part-time assholes can have their egos stroked by every other comic in the room who has been doing it less than 6 months, it is well worth it when reality comes crashing down around them, and the smarmy twinkle in their eye is replaced with a look that says, "but I've been on breakfast television, why aren't you laughing?" For those of you who have not seen this look up close, it is the same look the big breasted 18 year old gets when Simon Cowell tells her she can't sing.

I will tell you why they aren't laughing at you, its the same reason they weren't laughing at me. You weren't funny.

The difference is, I know it, so I will get better.