Comedians have no sense of Humor!

Comedians will make fun of their parents, siblings, bosses, friends and even the guy in the front row of the show without hesitation, and if you take offense to anything, the defense is usually, "These are all just jokes. It's comedy night."

I will be the first person to say, ANYTHING, can be made fun of, provided the target or exageration of the joke is good. Unfortunately, the average person's idea of a funny exageration is a big chair or a big beer bottle, both found at this year's Just For Laugh's comedy festival in Montreal.

"I get it, its a chair, only really big, but you can sit in it. Funny"

I won't start explaining jokes, because that gets into spoon feeding people and they get enough of the kid gloves treatment from our talk show, self help book, sensitivity trained culture as it is. My point is, you would think comedians, the very people that write and perform jokes night after night, would have a better sense of humor about themselves. You can make fun of anything except them.

I did a show about 6 months ago with three other comedians. I was on third, right before the headliner, and right after a person I was about to unintentionally offend to their very soul.

The comedian did OK. Not a kill, not a bomb. Nothing to be embarrased about and nothing to write home about. The comic in question is a school teacher by day and did some jokes about it. I came to the stage and did a joke I do about poor spelling habits of high school students. At that point, I said the teacher comic's name followed by, "Quit comedy, we need teachers." In my head I was thinking, put as many hours into teaching as possible. The exageration was supposed to be how stupid kids are, but from the audience's reaction of laughing and clapping, I quickly realized they saw it differently. The comic then yelled from the back of the room, that I would not be getting a ride home. I guess he interpreted the joke the same way the audience did. They believed the emphasis or exageration was that the comic should quit comedy. In retrospect, if I was in the audience, I would have taken the comment the same way they did, but so what? Even George Carlin has bad jokes, bad nights and in my opinion his latest CD was weak compared to the other 13 recordings of his I own.

Making fun of a weak performance (not a weak performer) or the poor choice somebody makes is no more of a personal attack then when you make fun of the guy in the front row for working for the government or wearing an ugly shirt. COMEDIANS of all people should know that.

It happened again on Thursday at Club54 in Burlington Ontario, but with much better results. I watched a comedian take the stage for 20min and do what felt like an hour of complete silence. I was the headliner on this show and had to take the stage to face 80 people who were bored, offended, or tired. I opened with " I was at the back of the room watching the show and growing very frustrated, because I can't make a living at stand up, and you have seen my competition." It got big laughs waking up the room and relaxed the tension. The target was very obvious this time. Everybody in the room felt the awkward tension and just wanted it to be aknowledged.

He was a stripper for 13 years and he was still in great shape. My flabby, skinny hairy body would have looked as out of place dancing for women as he looked on a comedy stage telling jokes. We have different strengths. We have different weaknesses. Imagine how awkward it would be if I took the stage to dance for women, with a serious look on my face. It wasn't a joke, I was a member of the troupe. When the host comes out, he better say something before he brings out the next dancer. The whole time the next guy is on stage, they would be thinking, was that last guy for real? Was it a joke? Will he be back? Does he get paid? Let's say something about it, so we can move on with the show.

I don't go out of my way to make comments like these. In 5 years I have only made these two on stage. The first was misunderstood, and the second was needed to relieve an awkward tension and reestablish the show.

This night I got lucky, he found my comments funny and even asked where I would be performing next, but I always feel like I'm walking on eggshells when I'm around other performers.

Comedians have THE WORST SENSE OF HUMOR!

On a bright note, I regained a little faith after recently listening to the Unbookables CD "Morbid Obscenity" It features Doug Stanhope, Andy Andrist, Lynn Shawcroft, Sean Rouse and Arthur Hinty. It was a CD put together as a fundraiser for Arthur Hinty, a friend of Stanhope's because he needed money for a gastric bypass. (stomach stapling) During that show, the comics made fun of the very person the fundraiser was for. Doug Stanhope, after returning to emcee the show, said, "That was a solid 10 minutes of comedy in a 20 minute set" about Andy Andrist. Sean Rouse a comedian and an arthritic cripple complained there was no fundraiser for him.

This is how comedy is supposed to be. FUN! They bagged on each other all night. They love each other and respect each other, but they say some nasty things at each other's expense for the sake of a laugh.

Often a comic who makes fun of another comic onstage will be called "unprofessional". As I see it, the profession, is getting laughs. The one getting the laughs, is the professional.

I can't wait to see how I will have to defend myself on the comment section.

I Hate HMV

I am a relic of sorts, one of the few left that doesn't have an Ipod and rarely downloads any music files. I still go into the music store to shop. There are a couple of reasons why.

I like the artwork and the information given on a store bought CD and DVD. I enjoy knowing at a glance who produced and mixed the music, who session players or guest artists are. I like to see a list of people an artist may thank for their help or influence. I enjoy reading a short history on the production or a biography. I think the artwork works with the music to define an overall "feel" to a release. It helps communicate a certain vision. I like having the real lyrics, not the ones somebody posted on the net incorrectly.

This could all soon come to a crashing end for me. I find myself in a music store no less than twice a month. The last few DVD's I have bought, don't come with anything other than 1 cover picture. No track listings, no thank yous, no background information at all, just a DVD. There is becoming less reason for me to buy from the store, and the stores aren't helping the cause any.

Everytime I go into a store, I head right for the section I want, usually the comedy or heavy metal section. The problem? The section is in a different spot everytime I go in! Where the fuck are the comedy CDs this week? It was here. It used to be George Carlin and Bill Hicks, now its the soundtrack to CATS and Phantom of the Opera.

These corporate assholes have done "research" to find out that we may buy more product if we get lost. If you can't find what you were looking for right away, you may stumble accross something else to buy as well.

This irritates me to no end. I know what I want. I don't want a collection of songs from CATS. I want a Lewis Black CD. That is it! I'm not buying anything else. All that is happening is that I'm getting annoyed because I'm forced to spend more time looking for what I really want in a store frequented by "tweens" clogging up the already narrow aisles looking for the latest Hillary Duff album, that they too can't find, because they moved the latest piece of mind numbing shit section also.

Now I'm stuck in a sea of green haired simpletons, forced to listen to the latest uber hip garbage from an obscure German punk band because Seth is the man in charge behind the counter today and he wants to impress said green haired simpletons by knowing everything there is to know about a band nobody has ever heard of.

The corporation wants me to get lost and buy more than I planned to when I came in. What usually happens is that I end up yelling at "EMO" counterhelp.

I know its not his fault that the store does this, but head office doesn't care that I'm upset, because "research" shows my complaints are statistically insignificant and that net profits are up since they started fucking with the shelves.

If head office doesn't care, and they don't care because I don't make a big enough difference to their bottom line, I'm going to take a different approach. I encourage anybody who is reading this to do the same.

I'm going to make working at HMV as counterhelp so miserable that HMV has a hard time keeping employees. They are an easy target, mostly kids who still live at home who will quickly abandon the $7 an hour if it comes with caustic complaints and mental abuse everytime they try to help a customer.

If we all join forces and give them unrelenting lectures about how getting 37 piercings is just a way to assert your individuality in a way fit for small minded conformists. If you wear fur coats when the vegans are working and tell them how proud you were to be able to club the seal yourself. If when asked at the checkout, "Did you find everything you were looking for today?", we say no and ask them to search in their computer for a Zamfir album that doesn't exist. As they are searching tell them how much better music was in Zamfir's day, and why she will never amount to anything in life worth while. Get her to try a couple of different Zamfir spellings so you can talk to her longer, then tell her to try "master of the pan flute", tell her that you were blown in college by Zamfir and the nick name suits him. If we make their lives miserable everytime we go in the store, quitting and running back to the home that provided the physical and emotional abuse required for them to want the 37 piercings in the first place, will look like a mental oasis in comparison. They will quit in droves, forcing HMV to give them danger pay and stress leave like Air Traffic Controllers because suicide has become so prevelant among its employees. That will get them bad press and cost them enough money that they might actually LEAVE THE FUCKING SHELVES ALONE

Lets do it at Blockbuster too. Anytime somebody in a blueshirt tries to make you feel welcome with a cheery "hello" as you're going through the metal detectors, say to them....Fuck You! Everytime they say hello, they hear fuck you! Wouldn't that be great?

Love Andrew

Halifax Comedy Fest PT1

Performing at The Halifax Comedy Fest has been a dream of mine since the festival began 11 years ago. I would buy tickets to shows every year I could. I would arrive before anyone else to ensure a front row seat, and I would hang out after the show to talk to any comedian that would give me the time of day.
The advice given to me time and time again was that I needed to move to Toronto, or Montreal if I was serious about persuing comedy. I took that advice and 4 and a half years later, I find myself days away from taking the stage at the same venue that first inspired me to perform.
As a fan it is going to be a treat to watch so many shows with performers from all over Canada and parts of the U.S. As a comedian, it is going to be a thrill to perform with friends and comedians I respect so much. As a person, it is going to be the greatest feeling to go back to my hometown, the place I love more than anywhere else, to do what I love to do more than anything else.
The best part of the festival as a fan, and as a comedian will be the Comedy On The Edge Show. This is a show where there are no rules other than to be funny. This is comedy at its finest. Art, left to the artists.
I am about to speak to a grade 8 English class about writing at Madeline Symonds middle school inHammonds Plains, then I will go and perform 5 min at the caffeteria for the drama class, followed by a question and answer. I didn't even take drama in school, now I'm a guest speaker?
I will make freqauent updates on my experiences at the festival, so check back if you are interested.

Alternative or Anti culture?

I went to a show last week in what is largely known in town to be a "trendy" venue. What makes something in this culturally bankrupt town trendy? When people with money hang out in a part of town that doesn't have money, then that is one way of being trendy. The room is filled with 20 somethings that wear protest or ironic message buttons on their goodwill store bought clothes. They ride bicycles, smoke pot and own ferrets. These are the same people that can be spotted at a fast food restaurant in Dad's SUV on the way to the G8 protest. With irony like this, who needs to put a 20 year old Barbie shirt on a fat girl?

I think recycling clothing and riding bicycles is responsible living. I think pot is better for you than alcohol and if we are going to own dogs, why not ferrets? They are better company than a cat.

What is my problem with this scene you ask? They do this shit to keep up with appearances, not necessarily because they want to. Social positioning. In the business world you are supposed to dress for the job you want, not the one you have. The same thing is true here. It’s just a different uniform and a different group of people you want to impress.

These fuckbags are willing to drink $7 beer because it’s "hip" to drink faux imported beer you can put a lemon in. Hey, why drink a beer if you can't subconsciously tell people that you are well versed in the school of drink? Its cooler to know how and what to drink than it is to have something that tastes good or gets you drunk. Let's do it on a rooftop in winter where we have the pleasure of sitting on purposely mismatched and broken furniture too. If the shitty furniture is on purpose, its ok, but if you can't afford better it’s just sad. $7 for a beer, but 50cents for the Mr. T T-shirt. If you look like you aren't trying, that's cool. A "feeling" of detachment from the mainstream. This IS the mainstream. The irony is they try very hard to give the impression of not trying at all. From the perfectly positioned gelled bed-head, to the horn-rimmed glasses (contacts would be tacky) I am even convinced they start smoking just so they can tell you, they are trying to quit. They have left wing literature on the book shelf that they haven't read, and bookmarks on the PC to the Onion or the Guardian they don't visit. We are worldly. No. Pierre Trudeau was worldly; you are an empty vessel drinking over priced beer in a plastic tent on the roof of a hotel.

They would never step inside a Holt-Renfrew, but would line up around the block to get a piece of shit broach from the Jamaican trinket tent at hippie fest.

The comedy scene is the same way. The less you try to be funny, the funnier you are. No. Referencing Steve Gutenberg or a Sitar is not a joke, it is just a reference. I don't care if your friends laugh. It isn't funny. They are only laughing to give the appearance to the roomful of hipsters that they are hip too. Like they know what the fuck is going on. Their heroes are David Cross and Patton Oswald, but what they seam to miss is the fact that those 2 guys actually have jokes, and they are funny. I have a feeling they really read the books they keep on their shelves too.

They donate to the Salvation Army because it gives the impression of being morally and socially conscious and then buy their clothes there.

Are there any TRUE individuals left on this planet?

Darren Frost and the Dynamics of a Jazz Musician

A couple of weeks ago, I saw Darren Frost headline his "Hate to Live" tour which means I was faced with yet another weekend without work.

This was a special night because Darren headlined a xxx show with the likes of Terry Clement and Shannon Laverty. I love xxx shows, not for the same reason drunk 18 year old college students do, or for the abundance of 4 letter words, or even the vivid descriptions of sex. I love xxx shows, because, this seems to be the only place left on earth for an honest exchange of ideas.

In mainstream culture, ideas are buried in music or hidden behind a painting, a character, or given the security of an educational setting a liberal arts college can provide. It is true that the ideas presented in a comedy club are cloaked in jokes, but I find the most important distinction with this medium and the others I have mentioned, is the laughter. Laughter is a way to release tension. Laughter is the audience's contribution to the exchange of ideas taking place in real time. Laughter is a way people can agree with your ideas in public without leaving the convicting evidence of words behind.

Darren brings it every night, something I'm ashamed to admit that I don't do. What I mean by this is his effort. Everybody runs into bad nights where audiences don't like what you have to offer. I mean he always gives them the best chance to like it.

The most important ingrediant for the growth of a comedian is stage time. There is no substitute for getting on stage and performing as much as you can. The second most important thing is writing. Write as often and as much as you can. It doesn't matter about what, just write, sooner or later ideas you can use will end up on the page. The third most important thing to do is something I see very few young comics do enough of. Watching the guys you respect. Not just on DVD or TV, but live. You must see them live. Good comedy is a two way conversation with the audience that does not translate very well on film. Often many of the important moments in a stage show get edited out if the performance is taped to air on TV.

I hear many guys say "Don't listen to other comics, you don't want to be influenced." Can you imagine if musicians took this advice? A world full of guitar players that never heard music. The best musicians in the world have a large and ecclectic taste in music.

I once ran into a couple of the guys from a band called the Pursuit of Happiness in a Sam the Record Man in Halifax. They were a rock band with moderate mainstream success in the late 80's. Dave Gilby, the drummer was buying an Ed Thigpen album. Ed Thigpen was the drummer for the Oscer Peterson trio and also toured with Ella Fitzgerald. Gilby, nor his band ever sounded anything like the Oscar Peterson trio, but I promise you listening to good music helped him to become better. What about writers who never read books?

Eric Clapton cites Robert Johnson, and Muddy Waters as influences, but would you confuse the music of Cream with one of them? No, but he's a better guitar player for it. Keith Moon and Michael Giles, were influences on Neil Peart. Led Zepplin influenced Rush and Rush influenced the Barenaked Ladies. In comedy Doug Stanhope told me that Andrew Dice Clay, of all people got him interested in comedy.

The point is, Gilby can learn about dynamics, and phrasing from one of the best like Thigpen without ever sounding like him. Thigpen is known for his brush work, I don't remember hearing any brushes in "I'm an adult now."

Influence and lots of it helps. The problem of influence is becoming a mimic. Using somebody elses act as a template for yours.

When I watched Darren perform, it reminded me how much the little things matter, and how good he was at using them to squeeze every last ounce of funny from his jokes. He orchestrates his performance with the ebb and flow of his voice inflection, intonation and volume, the same way good musicians do. He uses a combination of subtle and not so subtle body language to punctuate his jokes. Everything from a slight eyebrow raise, to a quick and animated "uppercut" is used to ad to a picture he paints in the mind of the audience which gives them a more vivid and full experience of the ideas he wants to communicate. Instead of just giving you directions to the punch line, he gives you a drive there.

This night inspired me to revisit my work. What more can I do to improve my stuff? The more I understand about comedy, the harder it seems to become, but I wouldn't change a thing. I love the challenge. I love stand up. It is the toughest thing I have ever done, and by far the most rewarding.

Check out Darren at www.comedywhore.com

XM Radio taping and my growing complacency

On wednesday January 3rd, I was lucky enough to be asked to record a set for XM radio at the Laugh Resort in Toronto. I thought this was going to be perfect. XM radio, no censorship, I can do what I want, how I want and get a little exposure at the same time. How much exposure? I don't know even 1 person that has a satellite radio.

It was a stacked night with some of the best pros in the country doing 10 min each, including, Jim Macalese, Fraser Young, Jay Malone and Debra Digiovani.

I was on 10th out of 10 comics, which means I didn't take the stage until 1 hour and 45 min into the show. I ate it. I got a couple of good laughs, but a couple of good laughs in 10min feels like shit.

Fraser Young had a wonderful set, he always has a wonderful set. The only thing preventing him from being a star is the $10,000 penalty charged to enter a country that actually rewards talent. The problem is that living in a country whos number 1 commodity is apathy, $10, 000 might as well be $10 000 000.

You always know when you do shitty because audience members and other comics approach you after the show with ready made excuses. "The audience was tired", "You were nervous", "the guy before you, brought down the room" All of these are bullshit. As Seinfeld said in Comedian after going on after a headliner in a New York Club around midnight. "If it's good, its good." I was the problem. The audience, tired or not, was not the problem. It was my fault. I wasn't nervous, but I stumbled over lines, and was shaken when my first joke about prideful fat girls didn't work. At that moment I remember thinking to myself, "Great, finally an uncensored radio taping and I get a CBC audience." I wasn't prepared and I lost focus because I arrived at 8pm and didn't take the stage until 11:30pm. In 3 hours, I tend to drift off, not pay attention, drink, talk and grow tired. If I focused like an athlete going into game 7 overtime, I would have killed. I'm getting too complacent. I need to be shaken out of my comfort zone, the way I take pride in shaking my audience out of their comfort zone. I'll be back, I just hope XM radio will too.

My advantage has always been hating the culture in which I live, now I, like my fellow Canadians, have become indifferent to the vapid culture and on some level have either joined them, by playing mainstream comedy clubs or have avoided them by sleeping, drinking, and withdrawing. I need to once again come face to face with everything I hate. I've been here before so luckily I know how to get the hate back. I will read some Anne Rice, watch 10 episodes of Friends, listen to some Andrei Bocceli or Josh Groban, eat at Mcdonalds, ride the bus through a wealthy neighborhood and go to a fashion show and a country music festival. If that doesn't make me hate, if that doesn't fill me with bile that I can later spit on the front row of a show, nothing will.

The trite that passes as quality is incomprehensible to me and I guess like a child who has been raped, my subconscous is trying to protect me by developing a second boring and harmless personality.

If you have any articles I can read about how important fashion is or how funny Friends is or about how honest, heartfelt, touching and emotional a country singer who sings formulaic songs not even written by him is, please send them to: andrew@angryandrew.com If it inspires me. like I know it will, I will record how the garbage in created the gold that comes out, and I will send you a copy. I will be forever greatful. I haven't been called a nihilist in a while, as a person it feels pretty good, but as an artist, that bothers me.


Here is Fraser's site: www.youngfraser.com
Here is my site: www.angryandrew.com

Home in Halifax!

I arrived in Halifax on Saturday the 17th. It is the first time I have been home in almost a year. The longer I'm away, the more I appreciate this place. The people are warmer, the air is cleaner and the comedy audiences are honest and appreciative. They won't laugh if it isn't funny, but they respect the effort and listen.

I did a showcase for the Halifax Comedy Fest on Sunday at Ginger's on Barrington street. Paul Ash has been running a room there for about 2 years and he has taken it from nothing, to hosting a showcase for a major festival in just 2 years. I do mean nothing. Halifax didn't have a local stand up scene for several years until he opened this room. That means he didn't even have a local group of comics to draw from. Anybody in Halifax serious about stand up moved to Montreal or Toronto.
It is still the only open mic in the city. (Pro-Am)

I know first hand how difficult it is to start a room in this city. Paul has done a wonderful job, because like so few in this business he really cares. He has a website dedicated to the open mic,(Pro-Am) which not only advertises upcoming shows but it has a bulliten board that is used as a communication hub for those who perform on the show including weekly reviews. They give each other encouragement, suggestions, and when needed a kick in the ass. They get together to write before shows. Paul had no less than 3 different flyers advertising the weeks shows and performers as well as an expensive ad taken out in the local arts paper. Even his cellphone answering machine advertises the upcoming shows. He runs this open mic(Pro-Am) better than most professional clubs.

The open mic is normally held on Sunday night and in this town, everything is closed except bars, pharmacies and corner stores. That means no walk in traffic and public transportation is greatly reduced.

Paul is another guy that I will put alongside Bill Davern and Shannon Bell for running a room that fosters young talent so well.

Halifax will develop the next new crop of talent in this country, not because the comics are any more talented, but because with only one room running in the city these guys are hungry. If they weren't they couldn't get on the show. Under Paul's guidance, this is a place where young comics will get a great start. I liken it to a Midget Hockey team being coached by Don Cherry or Scotty Bowman. Guidance like this will give you a leg up.

If you are a pro or an amateur visiting the Halifax area, make sure you drop by the room. You can find more information at the ComedyDawgs Website. www.comedydawgs.com
Here is Peter,Paul and in place of Mary, me in Halifax.
Another pic of the night with Paul EdwardsRhys, Paul Ash, Me, Nathan MacIntosh, Peter White and Bryant Thomson.